Blah... bored... that's all... nothing else

Just work... and WoW...

Ever do something while you were drunk or something that you seriously regretted to the point that it hurt physically?

Like not terrible, just just bad.

Well that is about where I am now. I'm not sure what is really going on, and I'm too worried to talk to the others involved. That is bothering me. I had just made new friends and we started drinking and hanging out. I'm not sure if I really did anything horrible, or if i was even remotely a cause, but now they have decided not to return. Not just not to hang out, but to the event in general, or any like it.

So yea... I want to crawl under a rock for something i might have done [my memory is a bit fuzzy on that part] and might not have done.

and I've possibly lost friends over it.

God life sucks right now

Aidelon belongs to these clubs:

Mood: W-T-F MATE!?!??!!?
Listening to: Sugar Cult - Bouncing off the Walls Again

BEING MISUNDERSTOOD SUCKS!!!!!!

Okay, it needed to be said. Because it is true.

Latin for today: ...
(That which nourishes me, Destroys me)

Ya know. Sometimes being me sucks. Like right about now.

I pride myself [and quite enjoy] on using double meanings for everything, even if it is just some crazy enuendo to make my friends smack their foreheads. I even somtimes enjoy it when people dont catch the double meaning, it makes me laugh a little inside. Not really because I'm smarter or anything stupid like that, but because they completely missed the joke.

I tend to make just about everything a joke because I think there is not enough laughter, not enough smiling, and not enough just laid back good old fun in the world anymore. Growing up apparently "takes all the fun outta the job" [Rock on for those of you who caught the reference]. I particularly enjoy doing this with good friends who know to be looking for strange references, like sock puppets and mushrooms [NOT a drug reference]. < Kelley, Cage, Kent [and the rest of you party animals!]: That's you.... Levi, you count double since you get the Yiddish jokes too.

Most of the time, I avoid making such jokes around people who dont know me. They dont know what to look for and my playful and slightly weird witty nature tend to get me in trouble, people are suprisingly touchy around people they dont know [Which has always been bizarre to me, while first impressions are hugely important, why not have some fun and show some character during them instead of being stuffy and introverted. I'm not saying I want a run down of life stories or anything, but cracking a joke and a smile is always appreciated! Smiling, is the best way to imprint a memory into someone elses head just because so few people smile these days and really mean it].

Anyway, so yea, when I meet people, I dont make double meaning jokes and I just tend to be blunt as all hell [Again, those of you know know me, know those are the two settings that Sara has, Painfully [and sometimes overly] Blunt and Honest, and Witty [Slightly Pooka-esque] Bouncey Playful]. After all, I really have nothing to hide and it is easier for people to get to know me if I just tell 'em instead of sugar coating who I am or beating around the bush. The sooner they get to know me, and I get to know them, the sooner the fun begins and we can all start laughing together!

Why is it then, that when I'm trying to be good and bluntly honest, everyone who doesn't know me misunderstands? Now if we were talking about people I know well [Cage, Kell, Kent: This is you again], I could completely understand if THEY thought I was being double-edged. But people I dont know? Do I really exude maliciousness? I thought I was closer to class clown than malicious, but perhaps I just come across as . . . untrustworthy? Maybe other people just have a hard time dealing with honesty? I have no idea, but it has been happening for a month now. It seems like EVERYONE new I try and make friends with either decides I'm some sort of escaped mental patient [which maybe the closer one to the truth] or a lying, manipulative weirdo. [Frankly I cant even manipulate play dough let alone people].

Hell, sometimes I know my Witty Playful Carefree-ness comes across as flirting sometimes, hence why I seem to accumulate so many bar napkins with numbers I will never call on them. But really? Is that bad? So I'm happy... is that really such a horrible thing?

I happen to like my life, my family [when they aren't being insane], my friend [mostly when they ARE being insane ... and I'm holding the camera], I like who I am, the way that I am [granted my bank account could look a little more cushy, but that's developing... slowly]. So I'm a little emo sometimes? I am allowed to get down occasionally... right? So I'm loud, raucous, and a bit unruly. I have a tendancy to say things most people just wont say, but think all the time. I love having fun! I honestly dont think there is enough laughing, smiling, or just having fun anymore in life! So I do my best to shake things up, break conventions, shock people a little, and in general keep people on their toes waiting for the next chance to laugh!

So, yea, this rant gets posted. It isn't directed at anyone or really at any one event either. I'm not angry just confused. I dont understand what everyone all of a sudden finds wrong with who I am. No one had a problem two months ago. Did I miss a memo? Apparently I missed something, everyone is weirding out on me all of a sudden. Maybe this is a sign. Yup, it's a sign. Oh.. wait.. getting a tellepathic message... yes...yes... i understand... got it... holy smokes batman! Perceptions have been massively altered by the introduction of a chemical called "Serious X" into the water supply of the Houston [and surrounding areas]. Everyone who drinks the water has gone completely and utterly serious! Call Batman! Call Superman [who i still say is NOT gay]! Call Batwoman [who apparently is]! ... and someone HAND ME SPANDEX! Houston must be saved! .... and eventually someone is going to have to laugh at me or with me or something.


(It sounded cooler than "Spoon"... oh if you wanna know what is means that bad go look it up . . . or ask *shrug* . . . I suppose asking works too. It means " I Am The Master Of The Universe". Oh shut up and stop making He-man jokes at me!)

Aidelon belongs to these clubs:

Mood: ... *sigh*...
Listening to: Clint Black - Like the Rain

WARNING!: This is a rant. I dont know who I'm posting this to, or even why I'm posting this.

Every now and again I get this itch in the back of my brain, a strange sort of thing, longing for the way things used to be. Wonderin what life would be like if some things had gone differently. I wonder this evening, and really it's been gnawing at me for days, what life would have been like if I had kept in touch with old friends. Would life be any better? Would it be different? What would things be like? And why can't I shut my damned brain off?

...

This is harder to type than I thought. Perhaps it shouldn't be in type. Perhaps it shouldn't be at all, but it is. I wonder what I did wrong ... Dont get me wrong, I love my life the way it is. I'm happy with my friends now, the life I have, where I am in life, and all that other crap. I just wonder what I did wrong with regards to an old friend. I dont think I can type anymore really, but an apology.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. I'm sorry for not being good enough for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't make you smile more, laugh more, and be happy more. I'm sorry I failed you as a friend with regards to that. I should have been there. I should have written more, called more, and paid more attention to you. I'm scared of you honestly, always have been, because of how much I have always cared about you. I'm sorry for the hurts that I might have caused, however insignificant. I'm sorry for being angry with you, for in general being a bitch. I cant appologize enough, apologies are a little too little a little to late. I cant make it up to you and I know that. I'm sorry for that too. You were my best friend and I let you down. There are things gnawing at my stomach and my heart with regards to you that I'm afraid I'm too damned weak to write, to weak to say, and dont think I ever will and I'm sorry for that too. I cant change the past, I cant change the present. I'm so sorry! My heart is bleeding with all the things I'm sorry for with regards to you. I do have one thing to say to you though, you already know, but I think for my sanity it needs to be said again....

I love you. I have loved you since I was old enough to know what the word love meant. I dont think I can ever stop loving you either. Whether you care or not, whether you have ever loved me or not, whether you ever will, I love you.

- Kid

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Aidelon belongs to these clubs:

Listening to: Epica
Watching: Kingdom of Heaven... again

So apparently... for those of you who know White Wolf... I am a:

Ecstatic Ragabash, with a wicked streak and enough Presence to bring an elder Toreador to his knees, crying and begging.



That sentance alone frightens the hell out of me.... ........

Aidelon belongs to these clubs: